How to Live With Sherlock Bloody Holmes
by iamnemesis
Summary: A step by step guide by Dr John H Watson. Five tips every week
1. Chapter 1

How to live with Sherlock bloody Holmes

By John H Watson

1\. Sherlock gets bored very easily.

I didn't know that his boredom could actually reach to the point of breaking into to Downing street, setting the table on fire " for scientific purposes", playing Marco Polo with Moriarty and stealing Mycroft's umbrella and naming it Susie...

I tried everything, I pestered Lestrade for cases only for Sherlock to name them boring, I even tried to explain the concepts of Cluedo to Sherlock, resulting in Sherlock typing a very angry email to the maker claiming that their game didn't make sense.

So I took Sherlock shopping, resulting in Sherlock ending up at Scotland Yard for vandalizing a chip and pin machine because it wasn't nice to me.

I was in for a long week...

2\. Sherlock Doesn't sleep... Ever.

Sherlock had been awake for three days straight, His eyes kept drooping but they refused to close.

I ended up drugging his tea, the worst idea ever.

Sherlock sipped his tea cautiously only for him to spit the hot beverage directly into my face. Too shocked to move, Sherlock then proceeded to tip the whole cup down my shirt before storming out the kitchen to torture the violin... again.

Result:

I didn't get to sleep either.

3\. Sherlock liked to " experiment".

Every disaster in the flat which included:

a burning table

a missing front door

My collection of jumpers severely depleted

A missing bed (my Bed)

A melted radiator

And multiple body parts in milk bottles

were all because Sherlock likes to "experiment"

And we must never EVER interfere.

4\. When living with Sherlock you must also deal with Mycroft.

Sherlock was once again bored, yippedy doo.

I could hear shouting, oh bloody hell, The queen (apparently) had arrived.

I just sat on the couch ignoring Sherlock and Mycroft whilst they deduced each other with the usual " how's the diet?" comment thrown in there.

Eventually I had enough

" WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!" I yelled

Sherlock was taken aback and Mycroft appearance was apologetic.

Hell, even the umbrella looked apologetic.

He said sorry and swiftly turned around and left Baker Street.

Sherlock looked thankful but before he could open his big mouth I interrupted

"No no no no, don't you think your getting away with this either, go to your room and think about what you said!"I told him

I watched him trudge off when I realized I really was dealing with a child.

5\. He almost never eats.

It had been a long week, Sherlock was stuck on case he was determined to finish so naturally he wasn't eating.

I had begged him to eat, put food in front of him only to throw it away untouched so I turned to my last resort.

I dragged him away from staring out the window and sat him down at the kitchen table.

I heated up some tomato soup and sat on his lap so he couldn't get up. I scooped up some soup with a spoon and held to his mouth, he refused to open his mouth.

" Oh god Sherlock do I have to say the words..."

His mouth stayed closed,

" fine... Here comes the choo choo train!" I said in a sing song voice

" oh no we've hit an obstruction!"

" John wh-"

before he could carry on I shoved the spoon into his mouth

"and we're in the tunnel!"

Unfortunately Lestrade had dropped in for another drugs bust and his whole team were staring at us in shock...

Great...


	2. Chapter 2

6\. When living with Sherlock you can never have any sort of romantic relationship.

Examples:

Jeanette:

"BORING! I mean come on john ... have you seen her, still attached to her ex boyfriend, quite clearly using you to make him jealous. Lied about her age, quite clearly 43 not 39 as she would have you believe..."

" Have fun with your boyfriend John" She screamed and stormed out the flat.

"SHERLOCK!"

Grace:

" Grace this is my flat mate Sherlock, Sherlock this is Grace"

" _Hello _Sherlock" She said in a seductive voice. I stared at her with a shocked expression, Was she flirting with Sherlock?

" leave, I don't like people so what makes you think I'll Like you?" he spat at her , smirking as she spluttered before storming out.

"SHERLOCK!"

Alice:

" She's cheating on you John" He said.

" What?" I exclaimed

" WELL YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH _HIM!_" she screeched

" I'M NOT GAY!" I shouted back at her

She left but not before smashing a plant pot ( soaked in bleach as another experiment)

" NOO my plant pot!" Sherlock said before storming to his room and slamming the door.

I Just blinked

What the hell just happened?

7\. He can't cook to save his life.

I was reading by the fireplace in a cozy Jumper ( one of the ones I have left ) when I heard multiple crashes and colourful swear words.

He jumped up and ran into the kitchen before promptly bursting out laughing, there covered head to toe in flour and sugar and scowling at a recipe book.

he brushed past him, the scowl permanently fixed on his face and muttering;

" Happy Birthday John" I just laughed ( NOT GIGGLED ) harder.

8\. He WILL use your laptop

so I walked in the other day rduihggggnvjdfghj

I don't know why John is writing this but I need to look up a certain type of acid so Ta-Ta!

9\. He WILL steal things from you.

8 was a prime example of that but here is a list of other things he has stolen from me;

Jumpers

Jam

Tea

Laptops

Money

Privacy

A social life

10\. you will have to drop everything to chase criminals with him.

It doesn't matter where you are or what time it is he will drag you along to chase a criminal even if you are still in your pajamas ( which isn't very threatening when you are trying to intimidate them ) so if you value your Job make sure Sherlock and your employer get along, but unfortunately mine doesn't.


	3. Chapter 3

11\. Sherlock is VERY childish.

" Johhnnn give it bacck!" He whined

" NO Sherlock, you are not melting bullets with hydrochloric acid!" I said firmly, he would NOT win this time!

" Butt Jooohnn I'm borredd. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

* sigh *

" NO!" I said and went downstairs asking Mrs. Hudson to make sure Sherlock didn't steal it back.

" Fine, be like that" he grumbled before dramatically throwing himself on the couch and curling up in a ball.

" Oh come on don't sulk!"

...

" Sherlock!"

...

" Do you want any tea?"

...

" OH FOR GODS SAKE!"

...

" Silent treatment, really Sherlock, how childish can you get?"

My questioned was answered with a pillow thrown at my face.

" Oh, It's on!"

_One hour later_

" Sorry Mrs. Hudson" I said

" Won't happen again" Sherlock added

"Sorry for fighting with pillows" I said again

" We realize our actions" Sherlock lied

" We will clean it up we promise" I appeased her

" WAIT WHAT!" Sherlock shouted in disbelief

_"Sherlock" _I warned

" We'll clean it up." Sherlock grumbled

I ended up cleaning it up.

12\. Don't trust Sherlock on his own.

I left Sherlock alone for the weekend whilst I was at a medical conference.

Never have I regretted anything more.

I arrived back wanting nothing more than a cozy jumper, a nice cup of tea and some jam on toast.

But noooooooo.

The walls were almost nonexistent, experiments covered every single bloody surface.

" SHERLOCK!"

"ah hello John, can I have some tea?"

And with that line the famous Watson rage showed

Never had Sherlock regretted anything more

13\. Drugs busts.

" Even this place is contaminated!"

" What like your brain?"

" No like crime scenes!"

"Crime scenes? You must not be a good forensic expert if you contaminate crime scenes then."

" YOU contaminate them!"

" Me? I'm not the forensic expert"

" Exactly!"

" Yes exactly, you are failing at your job if you can't prevent the person who solve YOUR crimes from entering."

" You don't solve the crimes!"

"Oh really, who's the murderer then?"

" umm"

" That's what I thought."

I just left them to bickering, it's never good to interrupt Sherlock insulting Anderson.

14\. Never let Sherlock go for a TV interview.

" So Mr. Holmes, why do you solve crimes, especially involving murder?"

" Murders are fun"

* cue face palm *

" Oh... erm well, why do you help the police?"

" They're idiots"

* cue holding back Lestrade *

" why do you do your own cases?"

" Because there aren't enough murders"

* sigh *

" this is wasting my time, come on john we've got a murderer to catch!"

* cue hauling myself out of my chair and running after the idiot.*

15\. He can't make tea.

We have gone through 21 kettles, 20 bloody 1 !

When he first tried to make tea he put the tea bags in the kettle, resulting in victim number one.

other times he forgot he put experiments in the kettles, resulting in boiled toes. EW.

The boiled toes still make me shudder.

He has blown up about five and gave one to his homeless network because he didn't have any money on him, but he did have a kettle!

WHY GOD WHY?

Because every time a kettle dies, John Watson dies a little bit too.


	4. Chapter 4

16\. NEVER offend the bees.

" Seriously Sherlock it was just a bee." I said watching my sulking flat mate curled up on the sofa, all of this just because I squished a bee.

" Just a bee" he said and gave a almost sadistic chuckle " It is not JUST a bee!" he shouted and I flinched when he jumped up and loomed over me.

I spent the next four hours completely zoned out occasionally hearing Sherlock go;

" And the queen bee..."

" HONEY!"

" Buzz Buzz"

17\. Suits, lots and lots of suits.

I can confidently say that I have never seen Sherlock wear casual clothes.

Except that one time he wore a sheet to Buckingham Palace, but that doesn't really count.

But he goes everywhere in a suit;

Crime scenes.

The living room.

Mrs. Hudson's.

To bed.

The morgue.

A bee farm.

In the bloody shower ( Long story; in summary I thought he was at his beloved morgue)

A swimming pool ( let's just say that in 'the great game' so named on my blog, we didn't leave straight away because Sherlock wanted to go for a swim.)

18\. EVERYTHING WRONG ABOUT JOHN! - SH

He doesn't listen, EVER. _Sherlock get off my bloody computer!_

He never makes me tea. _that's a lie and you know it!_

He blames everything on ME of all people. _Everything IS your fault..._

LIESS ALL LIES! CONSPIRACYY

apologies I did say Sherlock stole my things.

19\. he puts on this really whiny voice and calls me Jawn when he wants something.

Examples:

" Jawnn I want tea"

" But murderrr Jawn"

" JAWNN!"

20\. Sherlock support group.

The Sherlock support group consists of me and Lestrade, at a pub, every Friday night.

" Sooo er I found a head in the fridge yesterday..."

" Ohh god, he destroyed the forensic department and left a note saying, Its all useless anyway."

" I need a beer"

" I need something stronger, he's got onto pickling eyeballs."

Lestrade rushed to the bathroom and promptly vomited and it wasn't because of the alcohol.


	5. Chapter 5

21\. Sherlock wears rollers/curlers.

I laughed for around a hour when I walked in on him.

I had pushed open his door saying " Hey Sherlock, these kidnapp-" I stopped in my tracks.

There sat up, eyes wide was Sherlock Holmes, the self proclaimed sociopath, with pink and yellow curlers in his hair.

I blinked. Once. Twice. maybe three times.

And I burst out laughing.

" JOHN stop, it's not funny! John..." he shouted

"oh it is" I laughed ( NOT GIGGLED)

But then he threw such a temper tantrum, stomping about and promptly ignoring me I ended up apologizing and always promising to knock on the door.

22\. Sherlock is afraid of spiders

_John...-SH_

What Sherlock? -JW

_Come home...now -SH_

_HLEP MEEE-SH_

There's a spider in the bathroom again, isn't there?-JW

_Yes-SH_

I'll be home in 5 - JW

23\. Sherlock can play a really good woman... really

Ok I'm all sure you want to know how I know...

I-I-I

"_oh just get it out john "_

_" SHUT-UP Sherlock" _

I bloody FLIRTED with him okay! happy now?

It all started like this:

I saw a woman, long dark hair, pale complexion, ruby red lips and striking pale blue eyes.

I was instantly attracted.

I walked over to her and instantly put my hand out saying "Hi, John Watson"

I gave her the sexiest look I could muster

She turned around in the stool and struck out a perfectly manicured hand. (Red nail varnish and everything)

" Ah John, want to catch a murderer" she replied in a deep baritone voice.

My eyes widened.

" Sh- She-Sherlock!" I stammered my cheeks flaming bright red.

He smirked in reply before brushing past me and kicking a criminal in the balls with a black stiletto heel.

24\. he stole my JAM!

* sniff * today I lost one of the most important things in my life ( the other being tea )

I lost my Tesco finest raspberry jam.

IN AN EXPERIMENT!

The jam was always there for me and the fact it was so cruelly ripped away from me was teapot breaking.

At least it will be at peace now along with all my precious jumpers.

* tears streaming down face *

I will miss you so so so much jam!

I should have told you how much I loved you

But I was stupid... so so stupid

goodbye Tesco's finest raspberry jam

but don't worry, I will _ALWAYS_ replace you.

25\. The curlers aren't the end of it

Sherlock owns:

foundation

curlers

hair extensions

mascara

lipstick

eye shadow

nail varnish

nail varnish remover

blusher

bronzer

eye liner

fake breasts

bras

panties

a thong (shudder)

stilettos

tights

dresses

fake nails

a handbag

face cream

perfume

and a lot more.


	6. Chapter 6

26\. let's do the time warp again...

It was a truly scarring event,

Me, Anderson, Donovan and Lestrade will never recover.

It was the yards annual Christmas party.

and they played the time warp.

and Sherlock was drunk.

I'll let you think about that for a second.

ok just imagine Sherlock stumbling about and dancing along on his own, no one else on the dance floor.

_it's just a jump to the left_

stumbled to the left

_and then a step to the right_

stumbled to the right

_put your hands on your hips_

he put his hands on his hips

_and bring your knees in tight_

turns out Sherlock can actually dance when drunk

it also turns out that Lestrade filmed it and sent it to Mycroft to use as blackmail

27\. cab snuggles

it was a grueling week filled with chasing murderers who then turned out to be an old men knitting club because who's to say that men can't knit too? and then proceeding to run in the other direction after spilling their wool everywhere.

Sherlock hadn't slept at all (as usual)

When we finally hailed a taxi using Sherlock's taxi super powers all I felt was relief.

But my relief didn't last long.

because around half way through our ride home he slumped onto my shoulder

" Sherlock?" I said in a panic.

my reply was a light snore.

I was astonished, Sherlock fell asleep without me attempting to drug him then failing miserably so I'd ring Anderson because he was apparently so boring that he sent the detective to sleep.

I smiled but I tensed when he actually snuggled into my jumper covered shoulder.

28\. Being kidnapped by 'mummy'

When a pink mini rolled up and I was told to get in the car on the request of M. Holmes I thought Mycroft had finally lost it.

I didn't think the 'M' stood for mummy

I was led out the car by a man in a shiny suit.

and into what I can confidentially say was a room that was a place that clearly held a Barbie massacre.

A woman dressed in a purple dress stood in the centre of the kaleidoscope room.

" Hello john dear, do tell me how my dear sherly and mikey are."

29\. A real Barbie massacre

I stepped into the flat and saw the living room covered in hundreds and hundreds of barbie dolls each and every one resembling a murder victim.

Sherlock had ruined my childhood

because let's face it guys we all know how bad ass Barbie dolls I mean have you seen the Princess and the Pauper?

30\. Sherlock's guilty pleasure (Guaranteed to buy his forgiveness)

Putting on the sound of music.

Yes that's right, Sherlock has a weakness for musicals.

yep you name it;

seven brides for seven brothers

wizard of oz

Mary poppins

ALL of them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys and dolls, I was extremely tempted to create this chapter as angsty and feelsy as possible... but I realized that I'm not mean to fictional characters (Don't say a word Lydia Kathryn Barrett, Carmel Rose McDermott, Jess I don't know your middle name Johnston, Charley-Ann Audrey Latham and Beth Bloody Cook!) so I just decided to carry on as normal ( Pffftt, I'm not normal )**

**A few of these tips will be inspired by songs and I suggest you listen to them to get the full picture!**

**One last thing, Thank you for all the wonderful and supportive reviews that have kept this fan fiction alive and up and running!**

**Toodle pip.**

**-iamnemesis**

31.I fought the Law and the Law won! **This tip inspired by I Fought the Law by The Clash.**

The law meaning Mycroft...

*Cue awesome guitar solo*

I needed money because I had none.

and I lost my girlfriend and Sherlock was being childish.

this was the weekend I ended up feeding Sherlock soup whilst sitting on his lap ... Hehe * Blushes*

So I ended up fighting Mycroft and Mycroft won.

He agreed to Give me money If I beat him in a cake eating contest

By now I wasn't even surprised

but by god, can Mycroft eat cake.

It was actually impressive

he was able to eat the quantity of a extremely sickly wedding cake in half an hour

I could only manage a quarter.

When I got home Sherlock deduced me and said

" Don't worry John he only won because he had practice" and then he snickered darkly and handed me a wad of cash without a word and then said

" You could of asked me John, in fact I'm offended you went to my brother instead of me..."

He then promptly stormed off

I just blinked in shock.

32\. The condescending look.

Both him and Mycroft have the same look.

You'll say something stupid

and they'll tilt their head raise their eyebrows and widen their eyes in pity,

not a _I'm so sorry_ pity look but a _I feel genuinely sorry for you all around stupidity, little peasant _pity look

then there lips will twitch once before either of them launches into some sort of blackmail.

33\. It's the curlers that we choose! ** This tip inspired by 19-2000 (Soulchild remix) by Gorillaz**

Sherlock was torn between his normal brightly coloured curlers and a curling iron. I couldn't believe I was standing in a random beauty shop whilst Sherlock bought hair products

he reached over to the pink and yellow curlers

There you go! I thought but I saw him hesitate  
"Get the cool!" I blurted out before tutting him when he stood back:  
"na na na na na na na"  
"Get the cool curlers!" I finished my small but affective rant

I smiled proudly to myself as we left with the curlers.

34\. Sherlock can't admit being ill.

I tried to push the tablets towards Sherlock once again but my hand was batted away weakly

" I'm not sick John" Sherlock said with snot dribbling from his nose

John just grimaced and swooped down quickly and wiped Sherlocks red nose

He gave me a death glare which could end all Mycrofts

so I did the stupidest thing I'd ever done

I made fun of him

" Ooh, Rudolph's getting fiesty!" I jested and giggled.

He was in a strop for a month.

A BLOODY MONTH!

35\. valentine's day

Sherlock's favorite day was valentine's day.

Why? I hear you say.

The valentines murders he'd say.

Granted, on valentine's day it was a bloodbath.

but he would always be extra nice to me on that day, even thought were not a couple!

I wish people would stop assuming.

it's bloody annoying.

so stop it!

tut tut, baddd fan girls

but he would always have one less body part in the fridge and he would even ask for tea instead of demanding it.

I think he likes to show he cares

and then the valentines murder shows up and all you can think is:

aaaaaand he's back!


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm so, so sorry I haven't updated in ages... I have multiple excuses but they're not exactly true so I can only apologise. Hope you enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to review! ( please?)**

**-iamnemesis**

36\. Marco Polo

I believe near the start I mentioned the insufferable game of Marco Polo between Sherlock and Moriarty.

That was a long week.

yes, that's right; the two smartest men in the world (with the exception of Mycroft) played Marco Polo for a WEEK!

It started out as a few texts.

Sherlock would always smirk before replying and I didn't know to who or what it was.

so , naturally, I asked Mycroft for the transcript of the conversation on his phone.

My eyes bugged out when I saw the conversation.

_19/12/14 18:58_

_Marco -JM_

_Polo -SH_

_Marco-JM_

_Polo -SH_

_MARCO! -JM_

_POLO! -SH_

_24/12/14 13:45_

_Marco -SH_

_Polo -JM_

But that wasn't the end of it, oh no.

Moriarty wrote Marco in blood on crime scenes.

And Sherlock would retaliate in yellow spray paint.

Oh the joys of life.

37\. Our Liz?

I'm sure you're wondering:

Who the hell is this "Liz"

Well, that would be the Queen.

yes Mycroft and Sherlock have the pleasure of calling the Queen; Liz

no, no

AUNTIE Liz

Yes that's right their family is so close to the royal family that the Queen is basically their aunt.

Why? I hear you ask.

the answer, relatively normal people, is I simply don't know

38\. Mouse trap

Not many things can reduce Sherlock to tears.

I mean , He is like; someone died YAY!

Or, suicides that are made to look like murders but are actually car accidents and other wibbely- wobbely detectivey stuff , YAYYYYY!

Who knew that the board game Mouse trap, yes a board game, could reduce the great sociopath to tears.

I walked into the room with a cup of tea in one hand and a jar of jam in the other.

I dropped them in shock.

there was Sherlock Holmes lying on his stomach, crying, and screaming like a little girl in a strop who didn't get a new sing-a-long Barbie.

He looked and sniffled before screaming " ITS TOO HARD JOHN... I CAN'T PLAY THE GAME AND I PROMISED JIMMM!"

I saw the plastic pieces everywhere and the lid of the board game hanging off the skull.

I just slowly backed away into the kitchen and told Mycroft it was code red and to come calm the toddler down.

It was an eventful day.

cat lady.

When Sherlock told me he was a cat person I didn't realize that translated as crazy cat lady.

We were on a case and chasing down a suspect when Sherlock suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned right , into an alley.

There was a huge cardboard box with about 15 kittens in them.

Sherlock scooped them all up and cuddled them before looking me in the eyes and stating

" kittens John, kittens."

" ye-" I was cut off by sherlock

" we are keeping all of them."

" Sherlo-"

" ALL OF THEM"

I smirked

" fine, but you can tell Mrs. Hudson. "

His face paled dramatically and he clutched the kittens closer before placing them back in the box with sad eyes.

he sniffed and reluctantly trudged off, calling a taxi and driving off before I could get in.

I hate my flat mate sometimes.

40\. Thats not his name

He calls Him 'Geoff'  
He calls him 'Gavin'  
He calls him 'stupid'  
He calls him 'Lestrade'  
That's not his name  
That's not his name  
That's not his name  
That's not his name


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N WRITERS BLOCK!**

**Hey guys and dolls, I hate doing these for a full chapter but I have literally run out of ideas for this fan fiction so can you please send in some requests and ideas for me to work on and I will try my best to fulfil them.**

**I really need all of you guys to this or I will have to put this fic on hiatus or abandon it.**

**On the other hand I would like to thank you all for commenting and following the fan fiction.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey guys and dolls! **

**Thank you for all of your suggestions and it makes me so happy that you don't want this abandoned so I decided to update this today, earlier than I usually do ( which is never) so here you go, all of these suggestions are taken from Lizzy Darcy so thank you although one was tweaked as I haven't seen the hobbits yet but I have seen LotR.**

**-iamnemesis**

41\. Wiggles the clown

Sherlock Holmes the fearless detective, prepared to do anything to catch criminals and solve murders.

Is scared to death of clowns.

I laughed for ages when I found out about this, in fact I'm still laughing!

It was at Christmas one year and he and Mycroft have a battle with presents.

He sent Mycroft an exploding cake and we were still waiting for Mycroft's present.

The doorbell rang and Sherlock, for once, went to get the door.

I followed him very, very slowly.

I heard a shrill, girly scream and I ran thinking Sherlock must have hurt a little girl or something to that extent.

But by the time I reached the top of the stairs I saw Sherlock curled up in a ball in the corner.

There was a clown at the door with a sadistic smile.

" Hey its wiggles the clown!" **A/N kickthePJ quote!**

I burst out laughing and I nearly fell down the stairs.

But, by God ... it was worth it.

42\. The one sociopath to rule them all.

One thing you'll be happy to learn is that Sherlock is a huge Lord of the Rings fan.

I mean huge.

by huge I mean, he has a _Legolas _costume

LEGOLAS!

I had walked in one day and there was Sherlock, perched on the back of the sofa, with a straight, blonde wig (with the braids) on and shooting arrows at the smiley face on the wall.

Oh god, I mean I had to live in a flat didn't I?

I couldn't of just found a nice bridge to live under.

noooooo...

I had to go for comfort.

I think I took a few pictures for blackmail, shook my head and left.

He was truly the one sociopath to rule them all...

I wonder if he'd light up if I threw him in the fire?

He's going to drive me completely insane one day.

Just like the ring.

43\. Jim VS Shezza

The worst week of my life.

Moriarty and Sherlock had a competition to see who could wreak more havoc on London.

Moriarty targeted... well, everything

And Sherlock went straight for downing street.

And I had to go with him.

it was midnight and Sherlock had dragged me along.

He dressed himself in a suit (surprise surprise) and walked to the front, flashed Mycroft's badge and got access.

although they were a bit suspicious why "Mister Holmes" was here at midnight.

He tiptoed into the kitchen and stole all the plates, cutlery and cushions from the living room.

He then pinned them all around London on telephone poles and other thing like that.

I think one even ended up in west Lancashire!

Anyway, There was a lot of havoc.

44\. Tinfoil. I hate Tinfoil.

It was April fool's day.

I have always thought it was a bit immature.

But of course the emotionless sociopath thought it was hilarious.

I had a hard day at work, I just wanted to go home and have a well deserved cup of tea.

but Sherlock had wrapped EVERYTHING in tin foil.

Everything...

and then he proceed to cellotape thing to the ceiling.

Like my laptop.

I nearly killed him.

50\. Scotland yard

If you so wish to live with Sherlock bloody Holmes, you must deal with the Yard as well.

Of course there's Donovan and Anderson...

but there's the betting too.

For ages now they have been betting if me and Sherlock are an "item"

which we're not!

(yet)

Donovan and Anderson are against it, but Lestrade, Dimmock and all the other officers support...

what did they call us?

ah yes...

Johnlock

I even think Mycroft supports it!

And I definitely know that Mrs. Hudson supports us.

oh well...

.

.

.

I AM NOT GAY!

and breathe.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys and dolls!**

**Yep, I'm alive... shocker. I am unbelievably sorry about the wait but I have been drowned in mock exams, it's actually getting out of hand.**

**But anyway here is the 11th chapter of How to Live With Sherlock Bloody Holmes!**

**-iamnemesis**

51\. Talks when I'm not there.

Now I know what you're probably thinking, That's adorable!

No. It's not.

Its bloody annoying.

He expects you to be there .TIME!

He's like:

"I asked you to pass me a pen John"

"I told you to get the milk John"

" because you do everything John and I just laze around here John"

" I am so clever John, compliment me John!"

52\. Sherlock's tumblr account.

Yes, Sherlock has a tumblr account.

Yes I didn't want to find out.

I didn't want to see what I saw...

It still haunts me, day and night.

Sherlock is a fanboy, extreme fanboy.

He ships everything.

I mean everything...

Dan and Phil,

Legolas and aragorn,

Nico di Angelo and Leo Valdez,

his BROTHER and LESTRADE!

" SHERLOCK! IS THIS ME AND YOU?!"

" Umm... No?"

53\. The cat society.

Now, Molly and Sherlock don't usually get on (as much as she wants them too)

But they do have one thing in common.

Cats.

They love them.

They think they are purr-fect (HA! Get it?)

I'm sorry I'll never do that again.

But every Monday they meet up, whatever the circumstances...

And go to every cat shelter in reach.

And they play with the kittens, all day.

I even had to go pick him up once because He fell asleep in the Kittens "play pen"

54\. The lion king.

I will never forget the day I walked in on Sherlock.

.

.

.

Crying over the Lion king.

I almost collapsed in laughter,

actually I did collapse in laughter!

it was funny.

I couldn't breathe, and I only laughed harder at his exclamation

" Mufasa DIES John! He dies..."

Sherlock then broke into sobs.

I laughed.

55\. Oh honey... No.

This was the last phrase I had never thought Sherlock would ever say.

We were on a case, Which brought us to a bridal shop.

A woman came out in a mermaid style gown with bling adorning the sweetheart neckline and roushed bodice.

It did not suit her at all.

But no one would say, she clearly loved the dress.

But of course, it was Sherlock.

He just Burst out with the words (and the sassiest pose ever)

" Oh honey..No."

And then he left the store (after deducting the poor girls life story)

**There you go guys! hope you like this chapter, please review!#**

**-iamnemesis**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys and dolls, sorry that this chapter is so late in coming. I have no excuses for, I have just had no motivation what so ever. But I'm good now so on with the twelfth chapter of how to live with Sherlock bloody Holmes!**

**Please review for anything you'd like to see in future chapters.**

**-iamnemesis.**

56\. Getting lost.

As you know from _"A study in pink" _Sherlock has a map of London burned into his snobby, pretentious mind palace thing.

But when he went to Russia for a case there was a little problem.

I had stayed at home because I was too skint to afford a plane ticket.

I was just lounging around and not reading ahem johnlock fanfiction...

But then I got a call from Sherlock.

"Sherlock?" Sherlock never calls.

" John... I'm lost... JAWN!"

A giggle... I mean *coughs* MANLY CHUCKLES erupted from my throat.

" You? lost?"

" Yeah... there are loads of people, and people ... AND PEOPLE JAWN!"

"I'm sure if you call Mycroft he could locate you?"

" WHAT! NEVER! HOW DARE YOU JOHN HAMISH WATSON! "

then he hung up.

is a big nerd.

Underneath all the sociopathic tendencies and cold-ish exterior there was something underneath it all.

Something vunerable.

Sherlock was a big nerd.

Scenarios included:

"In the fellowship there were representatives of four races... Elf, man, hobbit, and dwarf" one nerd said to another.

That's when Sherlock slid in.

" Um actually, Gandalf was part of the istari, an immortal race created by the Valar after the first born..."

Or:

" Um actually the inscription on the enterprise was NCC-1701"

Or:

" Um actually, The death star was originally thought up by Count Dooku, not the empire."

58\. The weakest link.

Yes, Sherlock appeared on the weakest link.

And yes, it was not the best idea ever.

You see when it got to the point of " who is the weakest link" Sherlock pointed out personal matters.

for example:

" Sherlock, who do you think is the weakest link?"

" Sandra."

"why?"

" Well she's clearly cheating on her husband with the milkman, and the postman... oh and the bin man. Been busy of late Sandra?"

the whole studio was shocked to silence.

I was face palming in the audience whilst Lestrade was patting me on the back with a quiet "there there"

Unfortunately Sandra was a bit dim, and everyone else had voted her out...

just in time for her husband to storm on stage and drag her off by the arm.

but it was needless to say, after a few more revealed life stories, Sherlock was voted out despite his intellect.

59\. Speed dating.

Sherlock wanted to do this for "experimental" purposes.

It went worse than the weakest link.

And that is saying something.

Each "date" lasted 7 minutes.

Or was supposed anyway...

He reduced 3 girls to tears, got slapped 5 times and somehow broke a table...

I wasn't surprised.

He told them to stop cheating on their husbands, that he knew they were an alcoholic, and deduced that one girl was about to get fired.

But since they couldn't move until the 7 minutes were over Sherlock sat there awkwardly whilst they cried, or was drowned in an awkward silence after being slapped. His frustration built and he broke the table, shocking the ranting girl into silence.

He then span in a majestic twirl before leaving the room.

60\. The taxi driver fiasco.

Sherlock became a taxi driver for a night once.

He wasn't very good.

For example:

" Yeah hi, can I get to Mayfair?"

" No. You don't want to go to mayfair... you want to go to Old Kent Road and reconcile with your other girlfriend... I'll take you there."

" Yeah mate, I'm getting another cab."

" No you aren't, I locked the doors."

" What the hell dude!"

Sherlock then rose the partition and drove off.

**So that's the capter, please review your thought and any ideas or PM me if you want to see a different fanfiction as I am open to requests.**

**-iamnemesis**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys and dolls, Here is another chapter of "How to live with Sherlock bloody Holmes", please enjoy.**

**Thank you for all your suggestions and input for this chapter and any chapter previous, please continue to give me fantastic prompts so don't forget to review!**

**This fic will be going up to 100 "tips" from John and then it's finished... meaning we're halfway there...**

**I think I put a disclaimer in the first chapter...**

**Anyways, on to the fanfiction.**

**-iamnemesis**

61\. My _dear_ sister Harry.

My sister Harry prides herself with "getting with the times", meaning she knows everything about every current celebrity, everywhere.

Meaning that when Me and Sherlock became "famous", she learnt everything, including every speculation.

My sister ships johnlock, hard.

Seriously, she and mrs Hudson get together every week to discuss us, in very loud voices... so we can hear what they want from us.

I just sit there with bloody red cheeks, whilst Sherlock looks so smug...

That confuses me, I mean it not like I 'm attracted to him or anything...

62\. Revenge.

Now, for all the pranks, jokes and destruction of my stuff, I decided to get some revenge.

I waited until he was very far gone into his stupid, bloody mind palace...

Then I tied his shoelaces together...

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem...

Anyway, this meant that when he wanted to show off, he would fall flat on his face.

I couldn't wait, He was in his mind palace for hours, occasionally twitching and moving his hands about as if he was about to perform so weird voodoo magic.

Eventually he jumped up and exclaimed ;

"John! I know who murdered th-"

Before falling flat on his face.

It was hilarious, I had caught it on camera and quickly sent it to lestrade before he could take it from me.

That was a good day.

63\. Silly string.

The day Sherlock bought silly string, my life was over.

He decorated the flat with lines of pink and blue, my beloved armchair was buried under a mound of string.

It was horrifying.

The teabags were obliterated, the front door... now baby blue.

Mrs. Hudson... was covered in the string and Mycroft...

Well.

All of his cakes, ruined, inedible...

He was livid.

Sherlock was actually put on house arrest until he paid the money for the very expensive wedding cakes Mycroft obviously had lying around.

I ended up paying.

64\. Straight.

Now, I've told all about Sherlock and his beauty products haven't I?

You see, Sherlock tried to straighten his hair once. Tried. Once.

He actually burnt his hair, He had the straighteners on one section of hair for so long, that it actually started sizzling...

But, since he's Sherlock... He carried on until his hair was fully burnt and flat. Smoke was coming off the straighteners (and his hair) and his hair fell to his shoulders.

I doubled over in laughing whilst he sulked in the corner of his room.

I took many pictures and it is now a well known anecdote amongst the yard.

65\. The magic show incident.

Along with all the other brilliant ideas I've had to integrate Sherlock in society... This also went terribly.

We went to a magic show, not to catch a criminal or anything like that.

It was just 2 friends going to a magic show, that's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

And Sherlock ruined every single trick.

Pulled a rabbit out of a hat;

Sherlock would say " HE HAD THAT UNDER THE TABLE, HOW DID YOU NOT SEE YOU PATHETIC IMBECILES!"

And so on...


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys and dolls, sorry for the very long wait for chapter 14 of HTLWSBH I was caught up in a lot of friendship drama and exam preparation... But I won't make you wait any longer so on with the fanfiction! HUZZAH!**

**Don't forget to review and tell me your thought or any ideas you'd like to see.**

**-iamnemesis**

66\. Chaos at Baskerville.

So as you all know, me and Sherlock broke into a military base last week. That was fun... But apart from the getting drugged by your best friend and other shenanigans that happened you would think; I bet Sherlock and John had a great time!

The answer is haha no.

You see when we were in said military base, Sherlock was being more of a child than usual. I was basically a pissed-off mum for the entirety of our stay there.

I bloody told him off so many times, I'm talking about:

"Sherlock, stop petting the test subjects!"

"STEP AWAY FROM THE BIG MACHINE!"

"Stop touching the bloody glass Sherlock."

"No touchy!"

In summary it was hell.

67\. SPECIAL GUEST TIME!

Ok guys, as you know, the yard reads my blog. And today, to have a rant of his own, Greg will be doing a little segment.

Hey guys, Greg here. Today I would like to tell you a story.

One day, when I was doing paperwork, Sherlock barged in as usual and started being a bastard. So I kind of blocked out what he was saying, my thought wandered and I then thought that Sherlock was very cat-like. I mean have you seen his nails, they're like talons!

So I then proceeded to tell him he was very cat-like, and he was very offended. He then proceeded to hiss at me and climb the curtains... This was yesterday and he still hasn't come down.

We've tried everything, poking him with a broom... offering him fish... but all he has done is grip the curtain very tightly and swat at our heads if we are in close proximity.

IT HAS BEEN HELL.

68\. Sneezing.

As you know, Sherlock Holmes does not, or tries not to, show weakness.

Ah but there was one such time, I remember it well, Sherlock sneezed in my presence.

It was during a few moments of awkward silence when I suddenly heard a massive

"AAAACCCCHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I was startled and watched as Sherlock flew back into his chair from the force of the sneeze.

It was adorable, almost like a cute kitten who was then shocked at what their body just did.

69\. Sherlock takes a bath.

Oh boy. This was a hard day if I remember.

Sherlock was covered head to toe in mud, and was refusing to get clean, because he was still working or whatever.

So I dragged him back to the flat by his ear and made him stand on a bunch of newspapers in the living room.

I filled the bath up with hot soapy water and dragged him into the bathroom. There was no time to force him to strip since he was already breaking free.

I pushed him into the bath and held him down with the nearby toilet plunger. I then got the shower head and turned it on. I then made sure it cleaned his face and hair and well, the rest of him as well.

He was hissing like a cat, and splashing the now muddy water all over the bathroom floor and onto me. But I didn't give in! I would get that consulting detective clean even if it was the last thing I would do.

I then told him to finishing getting clean before I ran out and locked the bathroom door and front door. He couldn't get out now!

However he apparently escaped through the window and went back to Scotland yard... soaking wet.

A week later, he was tucked up in bed with a severe cold.

70\. internet history

As you know, Sherlock uses my laptop from time to time, and after he finished using it I always chack the internet history.

Here are the results from today;

20:35- google search- johnlock erotic fanfiction.

21:00- tumblr – majestic Thorin Oakenshield.

21:15- google search- why john no love me?

21:30 –youtube-3 hours of sneezing kittens

00:30 – google search- free kittens

1:00- google search- how to convince flatmate and landlady to let you have 30 free kittens.

And it just gets worse from there to be honest...


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys and dolls! Okay, so I missed Christmas... and New Year... so you won't be getting any themed chapters anytime soon! Isn't that great? Right, how would you all feel about a "How to live with John bloody Watson"? if it's too much we'll just stick to my original, top secret mean plan and everything will be all good... until the last chapter.**

**Don't forget to review!**

**-iamnemesis**

71\. The naughty step.

Okay, I'm sure all of you are wondering how I keep Sherlock in line. And NO! Not like that you dirty minded readers, I have a naughty step. I know that sounds weird but it works! For example;

Example A-

"SHERLOCK! PUT THE TV DOWN..." I warned putting my hands in front of me.

"B-but the inaccuracies John! THE INNACURACIES!"

He then threw the TV in front of him in anger and the screen smashed. I wasn't even angry, I just pointed at the top step leading to our apartment and raised my left eyebrow. He trudged off, sulking all the way.

He sat down and stared off into the distance, still questioning those inaccuracies.

Example B-

Well, there no story for this one really, just think... every time Sherlock has done/said something wrong he gat 5 minutes time out on the naughty step.

All I need now is to convince Mycroft this works!

72\. Changing a light bulb.

How many detectives does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they're bloody idiots and you should just do it yourself.

Sherlock actually broke two dining chairs, a table and the bloody lampshade trying to change a light bulb.

He would insist that "he could do it!" However, the reality is he couldn't, not to save his life.

I hope the criminals don't get the wrong idea about that...

73\. Are you smarter than a ten year old?

When Sherlock saw this program on TV he took at as a personal challenge.

He went on the bloody show.

The producers weren't impressed when Sherlock flipped a desk because they asked him about the solar system, which apparently "undermined his intellect and was pointless to human society... etc"

He was escorted out by security and was asked never to return to the studio again.

He returned... Obviously...

But not without Mrs. Hudson.

She was brought into the studio where she told off the producer for hurting "her boy" and almost mothered him to death.

It was a good day.

74\. flirting with people.

Here I will list all of Sherlock's awkward flirting situations.

He's introduced himself as " Hi, I'm single" instead of using his name

When trying to smile at the criminal mastermind he's tripped over his shoe and face planted

When asked " Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" he gave them an hour long lecture on biology.

" If you were a potato, you'd be a good potato...?"

"John! Flirt with jim for me..."

75\. Monopoly

The less said about Monopoly the better to be honest.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys and dolls, here's the 16****th**** chapter, please enjoy and review.**

**-iamnemesis**

76\. Sherlock's attitude to murder.

It was after a study in pink, and I had (NOT, DEFINITLY NOT... F*** YOU LESTRADE) killed a man.

Sherlock wasn't exactly stressing over this situation.

You know, sociopath and everything.

I'm pretty sure this was how the conversation went:

"7 billion people in the world, and you're overreacting because we killed one man"

"But—"

"Seven. Billion. People. Now quit the complaining and eat your noodles."

I mean, what the hell Sherlock.

What. The. Hell.

77\. "safer, not safe"

When we were kidnapped by fan girls. For the seventh time. This month.

We decided to actually try and escape this time, so we ran through the front door and into the night.

(So dramatic)

We hid among the dandelions, such a useless weed.

I sighed in relief, we were safe.

I said this to Sherlock, expecting like a romantic confession or something... not like I want that or anything... haha.

"safer, not safe john. GODDD"

78\. Stop yourself Sherlock. **(haha Daniel)**

Deductions? ("the beige beret suggests that she is a narcissist")

Stop yourself Sherlock.

Wearing suits in the shower (In the shower people! The shower...)

_Stop _yourself Sherlock...

Opening a door (He walked into a doorframe)

STOP yourself Sherlock

Not being able to speak (He literally said the sentence "His red must of been nose")

STOP YOURSELF SHERLOCK...

79\. vegetable puns

After Sherlock asked me " why am I literally watching a vegetable?"

I knew, right then and there. That this was my opportunity...

"Sherlock, you'd be a cutecumber"

"Sherlock, you look radishing"

"ahh, good thyme's eh Sherlock?"

"I leek you"

80\. the sneezing incident.

Sherlock was casually waving a gun about and stuff. When he sneezed.

This sneeze was so dramatic, it would have won a bloody bafta. Sherlock, mid sneeze, pulled the trigger and "accidently" shot the dinosaur toy that was sitting on anderson's desk.

Oh there was tears, tears of laughter from me and Sherlock and tears of utter despair the just ran down Andersons weird face.

It was beautifully tragic.

A bit like titanic if you ask me...


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey guys and dolls! Here is chapter 17 of HTLWSBH! We're so close to the end now... only 15 tips left after this!**

**So please enjoy, and don't forget to review, especially if you want Sherlock to do something before the end.**

**-iamnemesis**

81\. Falling into the dark, dark abyss of anime.

It had started off lightly; He watched one or two episodes of a show called "Attack on titan" every couple of days, if he didn't have a case.

Then it got worse... so much worse.

He would watch at least three episodes a day, and then he had finished it... finished attack on titan... I thought I would never have to hear that theme tune again.

But then he watched (binge watched) Black butler.

Then all I heard was:

"Yes, my lord"

And "monochrome no kiss" (the theme tune) blasting around the apartment.

From that point on he started referring to himself as a high functioning otaku.

He watched everything:

· -Fairy tail

· -Free!

· -Bleach

· -Fullmetal alchemist

· -Pokémon

· -Naruto

· -Hetalia

· -Tokyo ghoul

And many more that I can't remember.

82\. Clean up.

Sherlock has always been messy, leaving books here, dishes there. But eventually I had enough, I forced Sherlock to clean.

At first he refused, so I blanked him until he did it. I was at work when he texted me, telling me he was cleaning. I was happy, i would finally have somewhere to bloody sit down.

That did not mean I expected to walk in on Sherlock tidying up to the "Dora clean up song."

At first I was amused, but then I had found out it was a two hour video... the song was constantly on repeat.

My eye twitched every time I heard the overly enthusiastic voice of Dora sing "We're gonna take out the trash!"

83\. Organisation?

You would think, a great mind like Sherlock would have everything organised... pens in colour order, file stack on the shelf, calendars and diaries and colour coded notes. Unfortunately, he is anything but.

Paper covers every surface, books are strewn about the room and things... horrible things are hidden beneath that chaos. I've found a really grubby fork at one point.

I know what you are wondering, what's so bad about the fork John? It's why the fork was grubby... that's what was scarring.

It still gives me bloody nightmares, you won't believe how creative he can get with a fork.

84\. Skyping Jim every night.

They have become best friends... skyping each other constantly... agreeing to get married if neither of them are married by the time they are 40.

I miss my Sherlock, Why has Jim taken him from me! I called dibs like two years ago.

I can hear them now... giggling manically over the fact a woman got hit by a hearse.

Honestly...

85\. Can you feel the love tonight?

You know what, no I f***ing can't.

So stop singing it Sherlock.


End file.
